“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorry. It empties today of its strength.” ~Corrie Ten Boom
I tend to worry…a lot. Correction: I never really thought of myself as a worrier. I always thought of myself as a realist. I simply would think of upcoming scenarios, picture the worst possible thing to happen, and then hope for something better. I always had this feeling that if I wasn’t worrying about something, karma would have a way to kick me when I’m least expecting it, as if to say “You thought you were safe, sucker!”.
The problem is, so much of what I worry about is way beyond my control. I worry about all the normal stuff: money, kids, marriage woes and then stuff that is so unimportant: classroom observations, perceptions of others, and the biggest one: the past. I would worry so much about things that happened in the past or people being mad at me for one thing or another that I literally feared almost every decisions I made, knowing that somehow it was going to be the wrong one.
I never realized how much this really affected my whole outlook until today. I was driving home from the gym and my mind was wandering. I had had a pretty good workout, was in a good mood, and was ready to be home and see my boys. My mind immediately went to that dark place: worry. I began scanning everything in my mind, trying to figure out what I should be worrying about at this minute because, of course, I should always be worried about something. And when I couldn’t readily think of something my mind went to the even darker place: fear. If things were going OK today, they couldn’t last this way for that long. Something bad is bound to happen and I just have to hunker down and wait for the other shoe to drop.
By why? Why I am constantly worrying and thinking “bad” things are bound to happen to me? Do they really or do I simply feel that I am not worthy of “good” things happening.
I always seem to be looking at the world thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else. What’s wrong with my grass right here? Sure, it has a few weeds, but some of them are actually pretty. It just needs a little TLC and some time in order to “get greener”. But just because there are weeds does not mean I deserve them to be there. And when there are no weeds, it does not mean more are going to grow. They may. They may not.
In a nutshell I know what I have to do. I need to (wo)man up, stop worrying so much, stop EXPECTING terrible things to happen, and when they do (because they may) embrace them, fix them, and move on. I may even have time to read that new book I’ve been wanting to start with all the time I’ll save.