Worry Weary

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorry.  It empties today of its strength.” ~Corrie Ten Boom

I tend to worry…a lot.  Correction: I never really thought of myself as a worrier.  I always thought of myself as a realist.  I simply would think of upcoming scenarios, picture the worst possible thing to happen, and then hope for something better.  I always had this feeling that if I wasn’t worrying about something, karma would have a way to kick me when I’m least expecting it, as if to say “You thought you were safe, sucker!”.

The problem is, so much of what I worry about is way beyond my control.  I worry about all the normal stuff: money, kids, marriage woes and then stuff that is so unimportant: classroom observations, perceptions of others, and the biggest one: the past.  I would worry so much about things that happened in the past or people being mad at me for one thing or another that I literally feared almost every decisions I made, knowing that somehow it was going to be the wrong one.

I never realized how much this really affected my whole outlook until today.  I was driving home from the gym and my mind was wandering.  I had had a pretty good workout, was in a good mood, and was ready to be home and see my boys.  My mind immediately went to that dark place: worry.  I began scanning everything in my mind, trying to figure out what I should be worrying about at this minute because, of course, I should always be worried about something.  And when I couldn’t readily think of something my mind went to the even darker place: fear.  If things were going OK today, they couldn’t last this way for that long.  Something bad is bound to happen and I just have to hunker down and wait for the other shoe to drop.

By why?  Why I am constantly worrying and thinking “bad” things are bound to happen to me?  Do they really or do I simply feel that I am not worthy of “good” things happening.

I always seem to be looking at the world thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else.  What’s wrong with my grass right here?  Sure, it has a few weeds, but some of them are actually pretty.  It just needs a little TLC and some time in order to “get greener”.  But just because there are weeds does not mean I deserve them to be there.  And when there are no weeds, it does not mean more are going to grow.  They may.  They may not.

In a nutshell I know what I have to do.  I need to (wo)man up, stop worrying so much, stop EXPECTING terrible things to happen,  and when they do (because they may) embrace them, fix them, and move on.  I may even have time to read that new book I’ve been wanting to start with all the time I’ll save.

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