“The intention to live as long as possible isn’t one of the mind’s best intentions, because quantity isn’t the same as quality.” ~Deepak Chopra
If you were to ask me if there was anything I could change about my parenting I would most definitely rank the need to spend more time with my kids as my number one. Between balancing work, school, and a small social life with family, kid, and husband time I tend to fail, quite a lot. For some reason, wherever I am I tend to want to be some place else. When I’m at work I want to be home with the kids, when I’m home with the kids I want to be out with my friends. When out with my friends I want to spend quality time with the husband (to be fair and honest, I never want to be at work).
I always feel like I never have enough time to devote to any one thing or person. I actually have begun to think of sleep, showering, and other “basic needs” as a “time-suck”. There is so much more I could be doing between the hours of 11pm and 6 am, or in the
20 10 minutes I have to shower. With these restraints, someone is always getting shafted including myself.
I’ve come to realize what I need to start focusing on is quality time vs. quantity time. Some nights I have only an hour or two with the boys before they go to bed. What am I doing with that time? Same old, same old. Wining about how I have to work instead of saying home with the boys (Don’t worry, I see the irony). Yelling, cleaning, and maybe playing or a project. When the boys finally go to bed and I have time with the husband, what am I doing? Playing on the computer and watching something on Netflix. Even if out with my friends, what are we all doing together? The majority of the time is spent complaining about work (and I’m probably the biggest complainer of all!).
I suffer from an egoistic outlook on life, and I’m praying that its not just me. I always assume ill have more time, more patience, more desire down the road at some point. The problem is that I am assuming that there is always going to be a “down the road”. It’s time to face facts. There isn’t.
And it’s not just in the “time” arena that quality and quantity are at odds with each other. This disequilibrium seems to permeate most aspects of my life. I’m paid for 7.05 hours a day at work. Why not try and make those hours count instead of just “getting through the day” as I so often do. Even this blog suffers from it: making weekly goals, trying to change so many aspects of my life in such a short amount of time, always wanting to add more and more and more without really giving anything on the list any semblance of attention in the first place.
I’m not saying I should stop having goals: I love a challenge and thrive on competition, even with myself. I’m simply saying that maybe I need to stop focusing on the “more more more” and start focusing on the “depth” of each of my desires, problems, challenges, fears, relationships, etc.
Maybe with that, this big ball of chaos that is my psyche will finally start to unwind. Maybe not. But trying is always an option. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definition, I just need to take a breath and “be”.