“In running, it doesn’t matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, ‘I have finished.’ There is a lot of satisfaction in that.” ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder“
I had a good week-end. And, truly, it’s been a while since I have been able to say that. It wasn’t good in the sense that I accomplished a lot, or made substantial contributions to society. It was good in the sense that I started the week-end happy and ended the week-end happy. There were no fights, no drama, no big jobs to get through, nothing pressing, making me stressed or unhappy about what the future holds.
I think this also has to do with the fact that my motivation is slowly, but surely, being restored. I think one of the biggest problems I’ve had in this whole weight loss/getting healthy process is that I am constantly looking outward for motivation – looking for other people to motivate me and get me going – and that is something I need to stop.
I need to keep this thing going, because I know this is a lifelong process. In order to do that, I have to start believing that my motivation can come from within – that I am capable of motivating myself. I decide to look back over the past four months and see what I have already accomplished, so I know that I can keep going forward.
1. I have officially lost 42 pounds since January. I can sit here and rattle on about how this is a big deal, but really, this speaks for itself.
2. I am officially down 3-4 pants sizes. I can officially fit into shirts that only have one X in front of them as opposed to, well, more than one.
3. While I did not run the whole thing, I completed a 5K, something I never thought I would do.
4. I realized that the things that used to bring me so much comfort, non-healthy food and wine, are still fine…in moderation. I don’t need them the way I used to think I did.
5. It’s ok to care what I look like and give a damn about my appearance…within reason. As long as I feel good about myself that’s what matters. And I have definitely seen an increase in my confidence. While I don’t seek out the spotlight, I no long try to hide or avoid.
6. This whole process started as a way to get healthy in order to keep up with my kids and be around for them for as long as I could. While this is still important, it’s not about that anymore. It’s about me and the things I want to do and acomplish…and this is OK.
This week-end I was so proud of the new decisions I was making. I’ve begun putting things in perspective to see what I really want in life. I was shopping at the Gap (again, something I couldn’t do before) when I found a very cute dress that I really wanted to buy. Once I looked at the price tag ($67) I realized that instead of buying this dress, I could buy the running shoes I wanted. It hit me then, that running and exercise have become important to me. Important enough to sacrifice something else in order to be able to keep going. This is probably the biggest deal of all. It’s no longer that I need to exercise…it’s that I want to.
Exercise has become somewhat of a saving grace. There were weeks that I would have to get on the scale every day because the weight loss was the reason I was doing all this. I haven’t been on the scale in two weeks, because I’ve realized it’s not about that anymore. Exercise gives me time to clear my head and really think. Something I don’t always get the luxury to do with a full time job and kids. Even running, which I am NOT good at at all, has become a new goal, something for me to strive towards, something to work for, a new accomplishment waiting for me to conquer.
Because in the end, I may not run hard or fast, but at least I can say that I run.