“To admit that you want to have a comeback means you have to admit you weren’t what you were supposed to be. You dropped below your own standard.” ~Marilyn Manson
Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt like me. Not the me that I once was, not the me that I could be or am supposed to me, but the legitimate, here I am “Me”. And it feels absolutely amazing.
I never realized before how much I actually like being me. I always had this dark cloud over my shoulder insinuating that I should be skinnier, prettier, smarter, a better parent, a better wife, and better friend, better at my job, etc. But today, I love being who I am and everything about myself. I’m feeling optimistic about the future and what it holds for the first time in a long time.
I feel like there has been a lot of craziness over the past few months and because of this I know I’ve become rather depressed. This “monster” snuck up on me when it thought that I wasn’t paying attention and within just a short while I began to feel almost like a shadow of myself…as if I was never really “there”. I’m no stranger to depression, and I know what to look for, but I didn’t really think I wanted to admit that this is what was happening. It’s as if the depression was draining all the strength out of me and I didn’t have the energy to try and get it back.
I tried hard, I really did. I’d go to the gym here and there, eat right here and there, be present for my friends and family here and there. But I never truly felt like I was anywhere. I kept hoping that something would come along that would simply jump start my system again.
About a week ago my gym friend Paula who runs a page on Facebook called The Weigh Inn posted a challenge asking all of us who were interested in losing 15 pounds by August 31st to join her and each of us would be able to hold the other ones accountable. I joined right up, hoping that it would be that motivation or kick in the pants that I needed to get back in action. It helped, somewhat, but I still wasn’t “back”. I still felt like something was holding on and not letting me go.
Today I wrestled with the idea of going to the gym. I finally decided just to do it and I am so glad I did. Something happened when I started on that machine. No longer did it seem like I was simply watching the clock and counting the minutes until I could get off or making excuses as to why I should end the work-out early.
I finished my whole workout and when I stepped off that machine, for the first time in two months, I felt “HERE”. What was missing the entire time wasn’t someone else pushing me or motivating me. It was ME! I knew it from the beginning that making this “comeback” had to come from within. I just didn’t realize the way to do it was to push myself and not be afraid that I was going to get pushed back. I had to stand up to myself. And as most of us can attest, we are out own worst enemy, critic, and friend.
I found this on Pinterest this morning and I couldn’t help stealing it. It really signifies how I felt today and I had to share.
I know there will be bumps and sores, times when I am too tired or too moody, times when I just don’t feel like it, and even times when there just isn’t enough time. But I’m not worried about that anymore. I know longer **think** I can do this. I know I can.
I made my way back on the horse today and I’m not getting off for anyone.