The Comeback

“To admit that you want to have a comeback means you have to admit you weren’t what you were supposed to be.  You dropped below your own standard.” ~Marilyn Manson

Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt like me.  Not the me that I once was, not the me that I could be or am supposed to me, but the legitimate, here I am “Me”.  And it feels absolutely amazing.

I never realized before how much I actually like being me.  I always had this dark cloud over my shoulder insinuating that I should be skinnier, prettier, smarter, a better parent, a better wife, and better friend, better at my job, etc.  But today, I love being who I am and everything about myself.  I’m feeling optimistic about the future and what it holds for the first time in a long time.

I feel like there has been a lot of craziness over the past few months and because of this I know I’ve become rather depressed.  This “monster” snuck up on me when it thought that I wasn’t paying attention and within just a short while I began to feel almost like a shadow of myself…as if I was never really “there”.  I’m no stranger to depression, and I know what to look for, but I didn’t really think I wanted to admit that this is what was happening.  It’s as if the depression was draining all the strength out of me and I didn’t have the energy to try and get it back.

I tried hard, I really did. I’d go to the gym here and there, eat right here and there, be present for my friends and family here and there. But I never truly felt like I was anywhere.  I kept hoping that something would come along that would simply jump start my system again.

About a week ago my gym friend Paula who runs a page on Facebook called The Weigh Inn  posted a challenge asking all of us who were interested in losing 15 pounds by August 31st to join her and each of us would be able to hold the other ones accountable.  I joined right up, hoping that it would be that motivation or kick in the pants that I needed to get back in action.  It helped, somewhat, but I still wasn’t “back”.  I still felt like something was holding on and not letting me go.

Today I wrestled with the idea of going to the gym.  I finally decided just to do it and I am so glad I did.  Something happened when I started on that machine.  No longer did it seem like I was simply watching the clock and counting the minutes until I could get off or making excuses as to why I should end the work-out early.
I finished my whole workout and when I stepped off that machine, for the first time in two months, I felt “HERE”.  What was missing the entire time wasn’t someone else pushing me or motivating me.  It was ME!  I knew it from the beginning that making this “comeback” had to come from within.  I just didn’t realize the way to do it was to push myself and not be afraid that I was going to get pushed back. I had to stand up to myself.  And as most of us can attest, we are out own worst enemy, critic, and friend.

I found this on Pinterest this morning and I couldn’t help stealing it.  It really signifies how I felt today and I had to share.

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I know there will be bumps and sores, times when I am too tired or too moody, times when I just don’t feel like it, and even times when there just isn’t enough time.  But I’m not worried about that anymore.  I know longer **think** I can do this.  I know I can.

I made my way back on the horse today and I’m not getting off for anyone.

Living on borrowed time

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign that you’re not doing anything very innovative.” ~Woody Allen

Well, I failed at my attempt to get back to the gym this week.  Actually, that’s not true, I did go one day.  And really, I had an upper respiratory infection to contend with, so I had a slight excuse.  But honestly, I know a lot of it had to do with just being lazy.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s the heat (which I cannot stand) or maybe it’s simply because I don’t have to be doing anything that I don’t feel like doing anything.

Or maybe it really is the fact that I need something or someone to motivate me.  I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own, but am I?  Maybe I am tired of kicking my own butt and just need someone to do this with me. Maybe I need a little competition, I don’t know.  Point is, I need to figure it out and I need to figure it out fast.

I know that I don’t want to slip back into old ways and habits.  I literally cannot afford to.  We can say what we want about there always being a tomorrow, or tomorrow being a new day, or we can always start over, but honestly, we can’t.  And some of us, more than others know this.

There isn’t always a tomorrow, or more time, or even a better time.  I have to stop relying on other people and learn to do this on my own.

Because contrary to popular belief, time isn’t free.  It’s borrowed. And I better make the most of it while I have it.

What About Me?

“Be miserable.  Or motivate yourself.  Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~Wayne Dyer

I started this summer as I start every summer…with great plans.  I was going to accomplish so much.  The house was going to be cleaned and organized. I was going to go to the gym every day.  I was going to work with Max on his writing and Ollie on his…demoness stubborn personality.  I was going to read great books and write great things.  I was going to plan for the next school year.  All my centers would be made in advance.

I was going to do great things this summer.

Here’s what I have actually accomplished: I read two books, organized the toys in Max’s closet, and gone to the gym a smattering of times.

All I can really say is “what the hell happened?!?!?!?!?”

I have been extremely lazy, and probably downright selfish, this summer and I really don’t like it.  I was supposed to make positive contributions to myself and my family and I have done nothing.

Fortunately, the best advice anyone ever gave me was that every every day, every hour, every minute is new…a time in which you can be reborn.

So tonight I signed up for the next Color Run in Baltimore (to be held in November).  And tomorrow I will make my way back to the gym.

And each day I will accomplish something else because I can.  I’m fortunate to know that I have the time to do this while others don’t.  I am one of the lucky ones.

It’s time to get back on track.  I can do this.

I have to do this.