“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.” ~Elbert Hubbard
I realize that I may be posting a bit too much, but I can’t help it. Keeping busy seems to be working and the writing is helping me clear my head and get my jumbled thoughts in some sort of order. Today was a pretty good day. I was able to accomplish a lot and I seemed to have a lot of energy. I am excited to start a new running routine this week, andndo a lot more healthy, whole food eating which I hope helps to keep my energy level up. I finally feel like I’m ready to begin a new journey and move into a new phase of my life.
I realize, though, that none of this could have been possible without my friends. I’ve never been a person who had a lot of friends. I tend to have a few close friends rather than a lot of periphery ones. It was a tough school year followed by a rough summer and honestly, sometimes I can’t believe I made it out alive.
I tend to push people away. I always feel like they are going to leave me anyway (yes, I know, fear of abandonment and attachment at the same time), so it’s better if I do the leaving, or really give them a reason to leave. I also seem to test people by pushing them away and seeing if they come back, and if they do, I know they will be around forever. Believe me, this is not something that I am proud of. I realize that it is not healthy and I really am working on it. It’s hard to switch your thinking from negative to positive and I think sometimes I get daunted by how much effort I have to expend to do so. Saying the positive things doesn’t take any effort at all, it’s believing it that is the hardest for me.
It’s been quite a humbling experience posting this blog on Facebook and Twitter. The outpouring of love and support shown to me during this time has been nothing short of amazing and I thank all of you, those who comment or post, but even those who are just reading because that means they are on this journey with me as well. It makes me realize that if I do fall off the tightrope I have a pretty impressive safety net.
There are certain people, a small handful of the most wonderful people in the world, that I just couldn’t live without (literally). Through it all, even at my most evil, my little group stuck by me. They always seemed to know what I needed whether it be space, a hug, fun, quiet conversation, time, or even a little bit of insanity. Details are unimportant and while questions may be asked, answers are never expected. They know me better than anyone else, even better than myself sometimes, and for that I will always be truly grateful.
To Sara, Jane, Lindsay, and Doe…I love you all more than you know. Thank you for being you. I don’t know what I would do without you and I hope I never have to find out.