“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ~Marilyn Monroe
I really do love this time of year. I used to think it had to do with idea of Christmas, family, presents, lights, and all the other things that go along with the season. Yes, these things play a small part in the overall feeling of contentment I get during December, but they are not all encompassing. I always thought my favorite holiday was Christmas, but it wasn’t until this year that I realized it is not.
My favorite holiday is New Years and for so many reasons. Honestly, I am big fan of New Years Resolutions. While I agree that you can begin a resolution at any time and you should never wait to change something you truly believe in, there is something so wonderful about the year ticking over to a new new number. It’s almost as if New Years Day is a form baptism. With the change of a number, the mistakes and regrets and uncomfortable feelings cease to exist, making it that much easier to start fresh and anew. With the rip of a calendar page the whole world can begin again. You can set goals, make new decisions, basically become the person you have been waiting to become.
The other day I looked back on a New Years Eve post that I wrote as 2011 rolled into 2012. 2012 was the year, I decided with a vengeance, that I would have no regrets. No matter what decision or choice I made, I would go with it, own up to it, and if it didn’t work out, I would roll with the punches. Needless to say, this did not happen. I still have a lot of trouble letting go, moving on, and not dwelling on past mistakes and regrets. But really, in hindsight, this was a terrible resolution to make simply because the failure rate was astronomical. While I can learn to take my regrets in stride, they will always occur. It’s how I handle the feelings of regret that is the important part.
I think the reason I am looking forward to this New Years more than any other holiday is because, for the most part, 2013 sucked. And I don’t mean in an “Oh I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground” kind of way. I mean in a real, traumatic, life changing kind of way. The most obvious thing is, of course, my father passing, which lead to a downward spiral of depression, but there was also going through the IEP process with Max, learning nothing was “wrong” with Max, but people made me think there was, a very rough school year last year, money problems, marriage issues, losing a car, and probably a myriad of other small things, that when pieced together were a recipe for disaster.
But this year, it will be different, if for no other reason than it has to be. I can’t go through another year like last year. In all honestly, I don’t think I would survive. I think that because of everything that has happened this year I have grown and changed. I’m not the same person that I was 365 days ago, and I couldn’t be happier with that.
I don’t have all of my specific resolutions figured out quite yet, but I do know the overarching theme. Basically, I just need to be myself. So many of my problems seem to stem from me hiding who I really am or even not allowing myself to shine too brightly in front of others. I keep thinking that I don’t know who I am, but really I do, I’m just too scared of judgement to always show it. There are all things we need to work on and change within ourselves, but sometimes, it’s ok to let the weird shine a little bit.
In so many ways I know who I am. I tend to have too many emotions and too often, the way I express them is over the top. I cry too much, feel too much, love too hard, get jealous when I shouldn’t, and have a terrible temper. I’m loyal, but cautious. I don’t always believe the best in people, and I’ve been proven right. These are simply things I am not going to apologize for anymore. I shouldn’t have to apologize for my feelings because they are real and a part of who I am, and the way I feel is important. I need to stop worrying about constantly being judged.
Judgement seems to come at all times, even when we are doing something to better ourselves or set out in the right direction. I think that is part of the reason I never really got anywhere with my running. Sure, I improved, but I definitely didn’t try as hard as I could. Basically, it was because I wouldn’t allow myself to take myself seriously and this was a mistake. I was so worried people were going to judge me: Why does she think she can be a runner? She’s not a real runner. Why are you buying another pair of running shoes, you’re not a real runner…you’re like a really fast walker. These are all thoughts that I thought other people were going to say about me because these are all thoughts that I was saying to myself.
Yes, I’m probably never going to run a marathon. Yes, I’m pretty slow. Yes, there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t be running. But I am. And I like it. And that’s all that matters. And I don’t need to apologize for it.
I’m allowed to try hard. I’m allowed to be good at things. Hell, I’m allowed to be bad at things. I’m allowed to love you too much and tell you about it. I’m also allowed to tell you why you are hurting my feelings if you are. I’m allowed to take a break from people who aren’t letting me be me and are constantly trying to put me down to make themselves feel better. I’m allowed to be who I am, and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their loss. I actually think I’m pretty awesome sometimes.
2014: The year of being me.