“Good intentions never change anything. They only become a deeper and deeper rut.” ~Joyce Meyer
I’ve just turned 34 and I’m no better at this than I was at 24. I make lists. I make plans. I identify things that need changing. I’m proud of myself. I’m able to take the first step. Sometimes I’m even able to take the second step. I stick with it, for a day, maybe a week.
And then nothing.
I don’t know what it is. I decided just one day off is ok. I decide I need a break. I decide, for whatever arbitrary reason, that I deserve a break. Or I lose my cool. Or I break my promise. And my one day turns into two, or three, and then, inevitably forever.
Why is it sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can’t? Where in my brain is the motivation cortex? The place that is supposed to help me keep going and reach my goals even when I want to quit.
I could blame the pregnancy right now and it would be so easy. I’m exhausted and uncomfortable and will be for the next 2 months. But that would be taking the easy way out because in reality, I was like this long before I became pregnant and long before I had two rambunctious boys to take care of. I feel like I’ve always been of the “lazier” variety, of the “blame everyone but me” variety, of the “let’s make excuses” variety. And as much as I make the conscious effort NOT be like this, I always end up right back here at the starting line.
But I can’t stop, right? As I do at the beginning of every month I have to believe that this month will be different, that this is the month where everything will finally stick and I will emerge victorious and transformed. No more excuses.
The first step, no matter how many times you have taken it in the past, is always the hardest.