“People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.” ~Stephen Hawking
I sit. I stare at the screen. I know what I want to write, but I don’t. I know what I need to say, but the words don’t form. So instead of making myself, instead of just writing anything at all I shut the laptop and reach for the remote and drown my thoughts in crappy TV.
Lately, it seems, all I feel is angry and bitter. Towards my family. Towards my friends. Towards myself. Even towards baby #3. Almost everything makes me hostile. I have been focusing so much on all the can’ts, and the won’ts, and the shouldn’ts and it’s really been eating me up inside. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and even after today’s appointment, the baby isn’t ready to come. I can’t run as fast or as much as I used to and yet all my friends are out there doing it and I feel so resentful toward them. I shouldn’t be as mean and nasty as I’ve been to so many people around me and yet, I continue to do it every day. I can’t get a good night sleep so I’m constantly tired and instead of going to bed earlier, I just blame the husband who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
Do you ever have those moments where it seems like you are outside your own body watching what’s going on? That’s what this feels like. Consciously, I know what I’m doing. I’m literally screaming at myself to stop or shut up, to bite my tongue or walk away but I just don’t. Afterward, not only do I feel terrible, but then the guilt sets in and it’s a downward spiral of shame and doubt and self-loathing until the next wave of anger sets in.
I have all these plans. Big plans. Colossal plans that I want to begin to see into fruition, but I can’t do anything about them until the baby comes. Everyone around me is moving forward, reaching goals, working towards whatever it is that they want to achieve, and here I am stuck. I feel like I can’t do anything; make changes, move forward, anything, until this baby is born.
I’m sitting still and I hate sitting still.
I need to do something. The waiting place is a hard place to be. But I don’t have to make it harder.