“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” ~Jackie Robinson
Crackers. That’s what my life’s been about these days. Ritz crackers.
I don’t know why, but I have become obsessed with them. I’ll even buy them when they’re not on sale, which for me is a very big deal. They’re buttery. They’re salty. Like the little black dress, they go with everything. They also have almost a gram of fat per cracker…and let’s not even get into the ingredients. Yet lately, I can’t stop eating them.
It’s not for lack of healthy food. I have hummus and veggies and fruit (oh my!). It’s simply lack of desire. Frankly, it feels like a case of the “W’s”. Why bother? Who cares? What does it matter? Where am I actually going? When am I going to get myself together?
The truth of the matter is that I haven’t been taking myself seriously. I’ve just been eating and lazing about. Sure, I just had a baby a few weeks ago and most people seem to think I should just be laying in bed, holding my baby, and eating chips. But that’s not me. At least, it’s not anymore. Two ago it was. Post Oliver and Maxwell it was. But it’s not now and I know that I can’t go back to that.
While I think my cracker habit is innocuous, the wine and chocolate habit certainly isn’t and the scale is reminding me of that every Friday morning as I step on. Before, when the numbers went up, I could always just tell myself I was building muscle so it was ok. At that time, though, I was also running 25 miles awake so that was probably true. Not so much right now.
I signed up for 6 races while I was pregnant, hinging on the fact that having a goal or end point was going to make me jump right back after having the baby. With one of these being the New York City TCS Marathon I need to start taking the idea of running them seriously.
I feel like I fluctuate between “hell yes” and “hell no” whenever I think about actually completing the marathon. Moment of gut-wrenching truth? I have this feeling like I KNOW I am going to chicken out which is why I’m not training like I should.
I’m not taking this seriously and I’m not taking myself seriously. That is a problem. I still have trouble identifying myself as a “runner”, even more so now since I really can’t run again yet. I still get hung up on the fact that other people might not see me as a runner. I somehow automatically assume that everyone is judging me and the real reason is because I can’t stop judging myself.
I need to hold myself more accountable. I need to take myself seriously…even if other people don’t.
Because screw them.
I’m running the freaking New York City Marathon. And it’s going to be awesome.