What I mean to say is…

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~Lao Tzu

Life has a way

Sometimes, wanting to change

When you don’t know where to start, just start.

Charlie has become obsessed with my phone.  Sometimes I flip through random crap while I’m feeding her because, while I know this is a perfect bonding time, this is also one of the few times I have when more than one kid is not climbing all over my body.  When it started she would simply turn her head towards the light.  Now, she stops eating and begins grabbing at it.  She’s not even four months old yet and already she is falling into the technology trap.

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m addicted to my phone. I’d like say that I mostly use it for music, my running apps, and looking up random crap on Google when my kids need to know something that I don’t know (life span of a cicada anyone?).  But in the interest of full disclosure, that’s a load of crap.  Most of my time is spent checking Facebook.  And I’m pretty ashamed to admit it.

Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  It’s like my finger is drawn to that little blue icon of its own free will.  I’ll start scrolling through and randomly liking pictures and statues without even realizing what I’m doing.  There’s also the posting, as if I feel that I need to share every little thing with all my “friends”.

And if we’re being really, really honest there’s the Facebook stalking: the checking of statuses, pictures, profiles of people I’m “friends” with (and even those I’m not “friends” with).  What, oh what, have I become?

I compare.  I judge.  I check.  I get depressed by things I learn.  And all of this is ridiculous. It’s Facebook.  Facebook.  I’m getting worked up and sad over freaking Facebook.  I’m a 34 year old high schooler.

I read this great article the other day.  Ironically, it popped up on Facebook.  And three days later I’ve read it 10 times.  I know this is what I need to do.  For me.  For my family.  And even for my marathon training.

The sad thing is, pretty much everyone I interact with on Facebook, I also interact with in the “real world”.  We text, we chat, we hang out.  And yet, I feel like I need the validation of this friendship online as well…and I shouldn’t.

I could just delete that little icon or simply not log in.  But I know that won’t happen.  So I need it gone completely.  Just for a little while.  Just to detox.  A week, maybe two.

I’ll see you on the flip side.

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Self help

“Remember your name. Do not lose hope – what you seek will be found.” ~Neil Gaiman

For the past couple days I haven’t been able to run and I have felt horribly cranky and awkward, short tempered and short breathed. I know that running has something to do with it.  Without running, I haven’t been myself. But what does that say about me?  Running is so ingrained in who I am that I don’t know who I am without it.  And I need to find out.

I began running as a way to cope with heart break and loss, but without it I feel like I’m right back there again, which means only one thing: I haven’t actually changed.  I’m simply a conglomeration of the old and the new;  a mixed up conundrum of personhood.

At some point down the road I lost my way.

It happened gradually rather than all at one.  A left when I should have gone right.  A zig when I should have zagged.  Staying long on the highway when I should have taken the exit.

And I’ve been here before.

I’ve made so many mistakes.  Mistakes that I know better than to dwell on, but I do anyway.  Mistakes that have made navigating certain roads impossible, almost as if my car was on autopilot.  I see myself making decisions, knowing they are bad ones, and yet I make them anyway.  I know what I am supposed to be doing and I don’t.

I need to get out of the woods.  I need to find my path.  I need to return to me.

I’m lost.  And I’m not sure if I can be found.

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This is for all the lonely people…

“Being alone is very difficult.” ~Yoko Ono

Marathon training is not only hard, but it’s lonely.  I don’t think it’s something you can truly understand until you go through it yourself.  I have friends that have run marathons so I thought I got it.  I most certainly did not.

I remember being out with friends, begging them to have one more drink, one more bite, one more anything, and scoffing when they said they couldn’t.  Of course they can, I thought.   They’re just being (insert word here).  And of course, that’s when you could get them out at night.  Because most times, you can’t. Now I know, though, that you can’t eat one more bite, because it might be the thing that puts you over the edge during your run that evening.  And you can’t always have another drink or go out at all because you have to get up at 4 am to run X number of miles.

I know all this now.  And it sucks.

What I need is someone to say “Let’s stay in and watch a movie tonight because I know you have a long run tomorrow.”  Or “Here, have some water with lemon to hydrate for your run in the morning.” Or how about someone to tell me to put down the fucking cupcake or smack the Ritz crackers out of my hand.

But I don’t have a person like that.  I don’t have a partner in crime for this adventure.

It’s hard to go through this alone and I wish, now, I would have been more understanding of my friends that have gone through it before me.

Balance is key, in all aspects of training, and I have to admit I’m doing a terrible job.  I’m either too serious or not serious enough.  Eating everything in the house or nothing at all.  Running all the miles or hardly any.

And now that I’m injured, I am feeling all of this times 10.  I know I need to rest, but I know I can’t not run.  And no one gets it.

It’s officially 100 days until the marathon.  I just have to make it through and then everything will go back to normal, right?

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