Self Absorption at it’s Finest

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ~Marilyn Monroe

As you may have read before, I gave up Facebook…for a day.  I deleted my account last night and I’ll be reactivating it tonight…but not for reasons you might think.  I thought I was getting too obsessed with Facebook; checking it all the time, always posting, wasting time that I could have been doing other things. I figured that without it I would barely pick up my phone.  Instead you know what happened?  I checked Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and my email all day.  I have an app that tracks phone usage and I used it the same amount of time as I had been…without Facebook.

What I realized (besides the fact that I’m addicted to my phone itself and probably should do something about it) is that I’m completely self-absorbed and I do have my tiny Facebook break to thank for that a little bit.  Because of this all the time I spend on my phone, you’d think I’d be the most awesome friend ever, always knowing what is going on in the lives of others.  Engaging, relating, conversing. The reality is less than admirable.

I simply use the damn social medial tools to tell everyone all about me.  I over post assuming that everyone wants to hear all the random crap I have to say.  I over scroll because I can’t seem to be left out of anything and need to know what everyone else it do (and even more embarrassingly, why I’m not included).

In a nutshell, it’s all about me.  I’m as self-absorbed as they come.  And it’s downright shameful.

A while ago I lost a friend.  There’s an amazingly long and heartbreaking story behind the whole ordeal that I won’t bore you with now, but essentially we were friends and now we’re not.  I have spent a large amount of time fixated on this friendship wondering what I did to get to this place, wondering what I could do to make it better.  Me, me, me, I, I, I.  During this time other friendships have come and gone and I’ve barely noticed.  How crappy is that?  People sent messages, tried to make plans, were legitimately interested in the goings on in my life.  And yet, here I was making all kinds of effort for someone who basically didn’t give a shit about me.

Which basically equates to me being a giant tool.

I know I tend to push people away.  Yet, I don’t think this is necessarily about that.  I just know I need to be a better friend to the ones I have. And while Facebook is good for the superficial aspect, I need to do a better job of being a friend in “real life”.   I need to engage, work, try, and make an effort.

If not, I may not have anyone left.