“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Today is September 19th. On September 7th, my littlest one turned 5 months old. And I didn’t even blink an eye. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even notice the milestone until today when a friend of mine, who had her baby 2 weeks after me, posted that her son was 5 months old today. My first thought was “Oh! How cute!” My next thought was “Shit! That means Charlie is already 5 months…and I missed it.”
We could blame this conundrum on the fact that she’s number three in a line of little people. But that’s not the case at all. It’s not a case of “these milestones don’t mean as much with #3”. As a matter of fact, it’s the exact opposite. I should be cherishing these milestones even more BECAUSE she’s number three, and more likely than not, the last of the littles.
But I didn’t. Because it passed by me unnoticed. Because once again, life got in the way.
There’s running practice. And team meetings. And leadership duties. And teaching. And lesson planning. And mentoring. And. And. And. The list never stops.
I spend more quality time with the students I teach than my own children. Maybe that’s why this school year seems to suck so much. I resent these little five year olds for no fault of there own. I resent them simply because they get my time and MY little ones do not.
There are currently 50 pictures of running practice on my phone. There are 37 pictures of my students. There are 2 of my children. On average I see my children awake for three hours a day. Three. And let’s be honest. These are not quality hours. During this time I am also making dinner, answering work related texts and emails, packing lunches, giving baths and showers, and trying to divide my already scattered time between 4 people who want my undivided love and attention the minute I walk through the door.
And there are times, I’m not proud to admit, that I pray for an earlier bedtime simple because I have still MORE work to do and I want to start it as soon as possible so I can go to bed before midnight.
Then, there’s the things that I need to do to keep my sanity about all this that I simply haven’t done. I haven’t run more than once a week since school started. I just paid for an entire month of the gym without going once. Ritz crackers are becoming bad habit to break as I snack while I work. I haven’t read a new book in forever.
I feel like there’s got to be a better way. There must be something I’m doing wrong. There HAS to be a way to do it all.
If not, I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do.