Tis the season. For families, and holidays, and presents, and cheer. Like most, I love this time of year. The chill in the air, the twinkle lights everywhere, the break from work and school (and many annoying responsibilities). But I’d have to say, Christmas is not my favorite holiday. If I had to pick one, it would definitely be New Years.
Honestly, I am big fan of New Years Resolutions. While I agree that you can begin a resolution at any time and you should never wait to change something you truly believe in, there is something so wonderful about the year ticking over to a new new number. It’s almost as if New Years Day is a form baptism. With the change of a number, the mistakes and regrets and uncomfortable feelings cease to exist, making it that much easier to start fresh and anew. With the rip of a calendar page the whole world can begin again. You can set goals, make new decisions, basically become the person you have been waiting to become.
2015 has been a roller coaster of a year. I don’t think any other year has accomplished so much amazingness and turmoil all at once. From babies had, houses moved, friends gained and friends lost, races run and races quit, and love found and then rescinded, I’ve been undeniably busy and just living.
In so many ways I know who I am. I tend to have too many emotions and too often, the way I express them is over the top. I cry too much, feel too much, love too hard, get jealous when I shouldn’t, and have a terrible temper. I’m loyal, but cautious. I don’t always believe the best in people, and I’ve been proven right. These are simply things I am not going to apologize for anymore. I shouldn’t have to apologize for my feelings because they are real and a part of who I am, and the way I feel is important.
Very recently I’ve become more honest with myself which has allowed me to be more honest with those around me. Often I would avoid conflict or confrontation at any cost simply because it made me uncomfortable. But now, I’ve learned that the discomfort does go away and after speaking your mind openly and honestly, you feel so much better. Just a few days ago I said good bye to a friend, not because of anything they did wrong, per se, but because the relationship we had built over the past 3 years was not working for me anymore. I wanted a change and the other person didn’t. And for three years I let someone elses wants and needs trump my own. But not anymore. Walking away was so hard. But not as hard as staying in an unhealthy friendship.
Long story short, what I’m learning is that it’s ok to care about your own wants and needs…and to do what you have to do to meet them.
I’m allowed to try hard. I’m allowed to be good at things. Hell, I’m allowed to be bad at things. I’m allowed to love you too much and tell you about it. I’m also allowed to tell you why you are hurting my feelings if you are. I’m allowed to take a break from people who aren’t letting me be me and are constantly trying to put me down to make themselves feel better. I’m allowed to be who I am, and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their loss. I actually think I’m pretty awesome sometimes.
I’m ready to take some time in 2016 to focus on me, what I want, who I am and who I want to be.