Everything hurts and I’m dying.
I literally don’t think I could get out of this chair if I wanted to. And I only ran/walked 2.5 miles today. This summer I was up to over 25 miles a week with my long runs between 10-14. Today? The idea of running 10 miles at one time makes me want to kill myself.
And yet, I have an alarm set on my phone to sign up for a half marathon when it opens on Thursday.
I’m constantly starting over. And for no other reason than I’m constantly giving up. Something happens when I get to a certain point in almost every endeavor in my life. I leave it behind, trying to convince myself I won’t get any better, or that I’m just going to fail, or thatI have something more important that needs my time and attention.
But we all know this is crap. And then I’m forced to start over again.
I constantly wonder how far along I would be if I simply stopped giving up. When I first started I was “running” a 16-17 minute mile on a fast day. And I would get better and faster, but never lower than a 12 minute mile and never for very long. And now here I am, not anywhere near where I started, but definitely not where I was. And after just a day back into it I feel like giving up…again.
My word this year is (was) supposed to be “brave” but I’m not feeling very brave these days. I have all these plans and goals but I’m too scared to follow through. Mostly it’s fear of judgment. And a little fear of failure.
I want to do things. I want to help people. I want to make the most of this tiny amount of time we are allotted on this earth. I want to claim my guaranteed entry to to the NYC marathon, but what if I flake out again? I want to really start using my running to give back, like running with Back on My Feet, working with a population I respect and who needs so much love, but will always feel like I’m too slow. I want to write more, more than just these blog posts, but never feel like it will go anywhere so what’s the point?
I have so much trouble putting myself out there…really out there.
Brave? Not so much these days…
But I guess the fact that I care at all is something. I guess the fact that I always try again proves I’m meant for more.
I know who I am. I know what I want. I know what is important to me.
But knowing is easy. Doing is hard.