I have so much going on in my brain right now that I don’t even know what to say.  There are so many words and thoughts and feelings, I cant seem to wrap my head around them all.  But it has to come out, or I will explode. And yet, I have no idea how I’m going to do that.

I think back on a quote I read once:

Just start.  And then don’t stop.

So maybe that’s what I should do.  Just start typing and then don’t stop.

I recently lost a friend.  Or two.  Or none.  I guess it all depends on the way you look at the situation.  Because friends wouldn’t have treated each other the way we all did.  Deceit and lies are never a good combination especially when there are so many you can’t keep track.

I could tell my side of the story.  But really, in this tellanovella, there are no “sides”.  I could tell just my part, but I know, in the end that won’t work.  All of the parts  are interconnected and one piece can’t be told without the others.  And while I haven’t been the best person lately, I’m also not in the habit of telling other people’s stories and parts.

I know that everyone affected by this…mess…can read this.  And there’s a high level of probability that they are going to.  You can’t block people from blogs like you can Facebook and Instagram.  So why write it at all?  Because honestly, why not.  At some point we all have to face our demons and I guess there is no better time to do so than right now.

I’m a victim, no doubt about it.  But I’m also the worst perpetrator in this scenario as well. I bet you didn’t expect that, did you?  And not that it matters or makes any ounce of difference, I’m taking the blame.  Hell, I’ll take it all if it makes everyone feel better.  Not to be a martyr, but simply for this chapter in my life to be over and closed.

When all is said and done, no one got what they wanted.  And no one is happy with that outcome.  But here we are.  Forever connected in this tragedy when all we want to do is move further and further away from each other.

My heart literally aches.  It aches for me.  And for my friend (though I guess that’s not really a term I can use anymore).  And just for everything.

But it is what it is.



Second Place

Throughout their short lives I’ve tried to teach my kids that you don’t always have to be in first place.  Winning isn’t everything.  As long as you had fun, that’s all that matters.  As long as you really try, it was worth it.  These are wonderful sentiments when it comes to sports or grades, but in the world of relationships, it’s harder for them to find a place.  As children we rank ordered the people in our lives quite frequently.  There was usually nothing more devastating than finding out you were someones “second best friend”, especially if you considered them your “first best friend”.

Luckily, as adults, this isn’t a problem we frequently deal with.  It’s usually pretty easy to figure out where you stand in someone’s life.  When we were little we were verbal about it, having no problem shouting to anyone who would listen about our important list of people.  As adults, we tend to be more subtle, and actions, rather than words, show all we need to know.  When the words do come, they are not surprises.  We already could feel the love and understanding through each action, small or large.  Effort made.  Heart full.

There are those times, of course, that the words and actions don’t match up.  There is a disconnection, a breakdown in communication that makes us feel lost and confused.  What I’ve found most often is that the words are there but the effort is not. It can usually be broken down into two types of friendships.  One of them superficial, at best, and we know that it’s only a matter of time before these friendships are filtered out.  The second kind is far harder to break free from, usually because it causes a great hole in our lives that we are not sure we want.

The Superficials: We have the friends that are nice to our face, but tend to lie or tell half-truths (Past post about this) in some sort of effort to feel better about themselves or “seem cooler” to us (sorry for the middle school terminology).  While this is less than an ideal friendship, those types of people are easy to spot and even easier to let go when the time comes.  Eventually we get fed up being lied to and simply let the friendship dissolve until all we have left is the memories.  This is an end we see coming and usually, it’s one we’re ok with.

The Devastators: The other type of disconnect is more brittle and reaches the depths of our core a little more.  It’s the people who tell you exactly what they think you want to hear, but only because they’re truly nice people. They know all the right words and they say them at the right times, essentially causing us to believe everything they say.  And really, it’s because they just want to make us happy.  The trick, as always, is to look deeper, to see how much the actions match these words. In the best kinds of friends, you don’t have to look hard.  They match right up.  These are the people you want in your life.  These are the people you never let go.  And then there are the devastating times when they don’t.  You keep listening.  You keep wanting to believe.  You keep hoping the effort catches up to the words.  So many times, it doesn’t, no matter how much you want it to.

And when it doesn’t you have a decision to make.  Do you stay in that relationship, knowing you are essentially “second place”, a back-up plan only worth half?  Or do you simply break free?  Which pain do you endure?  The pain of staying or the pain of going?