Baited Breath

It came out of nowhere.  I wasn’t at all prepared for it.

The calmness of things going right.

The past year has been a struggle (to put it mildly).  Anger and sadness consumed my days and nights, even when it shouldn’t have.  I dreaded everything.  Work.  Being at home.  Even waking up most mornings.

When I moved out, I thought this would be the catalyst for peace and happiness.  I assumed just the act of moving out was going to make everything right in world.  That somehow this one single act was enough.

I was wrong.  As a matter of fact, for the first month it was worse.  Everyone was unhappy.  Everyone was still miserable.  There was so much crying.  The nastiness from both kids and adults was unreal.

And then, one day, it wasn’t.  It was almost like the tides had turned or a strong fall breeze blew away the bitterness.

Things are working out.  Schedules have been set. Civility and sometimes even friendliness have taken the place of the anger and resentment that have lived there for so long.  And the kids…the changes in them since things have become more settled and secure is amazing.

I think we all feel it.  And by all I really do mean ALL.

I wake up most mornings and immediately think: what am I supposed to be worrying about today?  And you know what?  Nothing really comes.  I’ll always have the generic worries: money, work, money, time, money.  But those are just things that come with being an adult (ugh).  My mind is no longer consumed with negativity all the time.

I am no longer worried about how I’m simply going to make it through the day alive.  I no longer have to make bets and promises with myself about not yelling or losing my temper.  I no longer have to think that I’m the most terrible mom, wife, friend, person every minute of every day.

And it feels amazing.

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