In the Cards

Fall and I have always been “frenemies”.  I love the fall; the colors, smells, the cool breezes, and sweaters.  It’s always been my favorite season.  But the fall has not always agreed with me.  Big life changes seem to happen in the fall.  Friends come and go.  Marriages end and new relationships start.  Marathons are run and marathons are quit.  Whole worlds change in a matter of just a few short months.

For some reason the fall always makes me feel nostalgic for past times, even when the past wasn’t always good to me, even when the present is so much better.  I think about the friends that have walked away willingly and the friends that I have pushed away without even knowing I was doing it.  I start to think: maybe I should reach out.  Maybe I should make more of an effort to reconnect.  Maybe I should remind them of how things used to be and let them know we can have it again.

And then I think…no.  It’s better this way.

I like my life right now.  Correction, I love it.  And I’m starting to realize that this wouldn’t be my life right now if I continued to hold on to things that were not for me anymore.

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I just read back over what I wrote and realized…it’s ridiculous.  It’s not the post I wanted to write at all.

I tend to do this.  I get these thoughts in my head about what I want to write about, and then in order to not make anyone upset at me, or in order to make things seem sunnier, I use flowery words to talk about how the changes in my life have made me who I am.  It’s not the journey, but the destination.  Some people are meant to come and go, while others are meant to stay.  And all kinds of other cliched crap that we all spout to make ourselves feel better in the weak moments.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I most certainly believe those things.  If you know me at all, you know I love a good inspirational saying, made all pretty, and instagrammed with a lovely hashtag to remind people (and myself) that life gets better and all that.  But I realize now, I tend to hide behind these posts.  I tend to hide behind these ideas.  I tend to hide behind the overly typed words of my blog so that I don’t have to face the real feelings that I have at that moment.

And why?  Because I’m scare someone might read it and get mad or upset?  Because I’m scared someone might judge me?  Yes.  Both of these things are true, but it’s also because I’m scared of actually addressing the feelings that I have.  Because when you do address them they become real, and no amount of pinterested life quotes can make them any better.

So after all that excess and explanation, here is what I really wanted to say.

In the past few years, I’ve lost quite a few friends.  Some who I were close with got significant others and the friendship fell off.  Some friendships fell apart when we realized we weren’t meant for the long haul…that were were friends simply for circumstances or to fill a hole momentarily while we waited for someone else.  Some friendships ended out of betrayal, on both parts.

For a while (ok in full honesty, for a long time) I was bitter. I tried to change for other people, I tried to be the person they wanted me to be.  And when that didn’t work I turned it all inward. I was judgemental…so judgemental.  And gossipy.  And mean.  And so many other things.  But then I simply got tired.  I got tired of making all the effort.  I got tired of being dropped or replaced. And I really got tired of carrying around the resentment and ill feelings I felt towards these people. Maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for them to be a long term part of my life.  And that’s ok.

How much more time and energy was I willing to give up?  And the answer now is none.  No more fake promises and plans.  No more hiding behind flowery words.  It’s simply time to embrace my life how it is.  And you know what?  It really is an amazing life.  And not to sound cliche, but every single misstep I’ve taken has gotten me to this point.  Life’s too short to carry around baggage and resentments.  If you fill up with all the bad stuff…where are the blessings going to go?

Having the last two days off have helped me quite a lot.  I’ve been able to relax and think.  I’ve been able to process and work through past issues I’ve had.  I really do think I’m at the place where I’m ready to live my best life.  No more hiding. No more feel of judgement.  No more judging others.  No more bitterness.  Just me.

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