I assumed that summer would be different this year.
I’m having a difficult time putting it into words. I’ve written and then immediately erased at least 5 sentences before writing that one. It’s not that I don’t know what to say, it’s simply that I don’t know how to say it. Or maybe, it’s just that I’m too scared to say it.
Scared seems to be an overarching theme these days. I only have the kids 50% of the time during the summer and I thought, at first, I would relish the down time. I’ll have time to read! I’ll have time to go to the pool! But instead I just seem to have a lot of time with my thoughts, which has never meant good things for me. I spend my days overthinking, overanalyzing, and simply being on such a high level of alert and anxiety that my body seems to vibrate constantly.
I’m buying a car, which for someone who has always had money issues, is highly stressful. Can I afford it? Yes. Do I need it? Yes. But I keep hesitating, picking a different car each day, simply so I don’t have to do this thing. Then, I start thinking about what Mike will say if I get a new car. The arguments form themselves in my head seamlessly and without help from me. My rational mind says:
“Who cares what he thinks?”
“He has bought a ton of stuff for himself without consulting or caring what you think.”
“You are separated. You need a car to get to work. All that matters is what you think. The end.”
But it never really is the end. That damn subconscious comes around to rear her ugly head to remind me in no uncertain terms that she is really running the show and it’s stupid for me to think otherwise/
And yet, I am 37 years old and I know this is a problem. The amount I seems to care what other people think is astounding. I have always tried to pride myself on the fact that it only matters what I think and feel, not others. But here I am, with all this time on my hands, CONSTANTLY thinking about it.
I tell myself to write. That this process will help me work out what’s in my mind.
*What if people don’t like what I’ve written.*
*What if they think what I have to say is stupid.*
*What’s the point of writing. No one is even reading it.*
I tell myself to throw myself into my half marathon training and the gym.
*Why? You’re just going to quit again like you always do.*
*Why do you even thinking you can do this when clearly you can’t.*
I tell myself to put down the screens and read, go outside, do anything.
*Right after one more scroll through facebook to see that my friends (and others) are having a way more fun and happy summer than I am having.*
I don’t even know how to write more to this post.
I know I need a break, but I am simply too scared to take it. I know I know I need to find the person I lost over the past couple years, but I just don’t know what to do to find her again.
When I was little I used to run around and smash lightning bugs. Cruel, I know (at least now I do), but when I did that I was never thinking about their death, only thinking about how they would make me sparkle. How, for a brief time, I would shine.
I never imagined that I would have to find a way to make myself sparkle and glow without the help of the lightning bugs. That I would have to do it on my own.
When did I stop believing in myself?
I have no idea. I just know that I have to find a way to begin again.