Happiness is a tricky creature. It’s something we’re taught since birth to want while we’re simultaneously taught that it’s unattainable. We’re constantly being bombarded with messages stating that what we have is great buuuuuut…it could be so much better. The whole idea of “the grass is always greener” has never been lost on me, making me constantly and haphazardly jump between “YOLO” and “be happy with what you have”.
Then there’s the fact that lately I feel like I have let my happiness be contingent on other people. Words of affirmation and love, little moments of attention, things that made me feel like I was worthy of something; worthy of being, all simply because someone else is making he effort and believing that too. But when those things fade, or don’t happen, or minds get changed, then what do you have? I’m left feeling empty, bitter, alone, and blaming not myself, but that other person who let me down, when really it’s my fualt for putting so much power into their hands in the first place.
I love to make other people happy. When I’m around happy people, I tend to be happier. Unfortunately, because I like to make people happy, I believe others are the same way. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they don’t care about your happiness at all. Sometimes they tell you what you want to hear, because they do want to make you happy, even if they don’t mean everything you’re saying.
And there in lies the conundrum. I put my happiness into the hands of others instead of simply doing what I can to make myself happy. Playing with the kids, watching a movie within someone I love, reading a book, talking to a friend, going to the gym. All little variations of my happiness. And all things that I need to focus on instead of sitting around and waiting for someone to make me happy. I have the ability to make myself happy. But it’s hard and sometimes I just feel like I CAN’T.
But not today. Today was different.
It’s days like today where I really feel like everything is going to be ok. Me writing outside enjoying the beginnings of a sunset and the early evening breeze rustling through the gazebo. The house is quiet. The wine has been poured. I feel put together, whole, complete just being in this moment. It’s almost as if over night my entire world has begun to make sense. Recently, I’ve felt like my life was a puzzle and as I’m trying to put it together there are just too many pieces. Figuring out the ones that fit together and deciding which ones need to be discarded to make the most complete picture has been difficult. So many times in my life I feel so lost and pulled apart, that when I get moments like this, it feels like heaven. No anxiety about the future, just clarity and peace. I’m praying it is simply not the calm before the storm as it has been so many times before. Unlike those other times though, I’m choosing to believe that things are headed in the right direction.
Everything up until now has been leading me to this moment. I feel like my life is on the cusp of something big. I have no idea what it is, but the best part is that the possibilities are endless.