“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ~Jane Austen
Shockingly enough this is not a post about being a mother. Nor is it a post about running or some form of transformation I hope to create for myself. This is, in simplest terms, a post about friendship. I’m not quite sure where in my sub-conscious it formed, but I know it’s a story I need to tell.
Earlier today I received a text from a friend saying she saw a certain friend of mine having lunch with someone else I knew. It was semi-shocking news knowing these two people have a tumultuous history, but nothing completely out of the ordinary. What struck me most was the fact that for awhile, this friend and I had been rather close, inseparable even, and now it hard to remember when I last talked to or even saw this person (actually, it was December 2013, so about a year and a half ago). While the “conversation” didn’t really make me miss this particular friendship per se, it did get me thinking about the idea of friendship in general. In the most juvenile terms it really had me thinking “what happens when you’re not friends with your friends anymore?”
Last August I wrote this post about friendship. I talked about how amazing my friends were at helping me through a really tough summer after my dad died. And yet, out of the four people I named in that post, I haven’t seen two of them since last July, and one of them, I haven’t even “talked” to except maybe once or twice via text. That’s not to say that I don’t think about these people or wonder about them or even miss them, but it’s just interesting how one minute someone can be one of the most important people in your life and the next minute you have trouble remembering the last time you had a meaningful experience with them.
I can literally name maybe five people that I am legitimately friends with at this moment, but in full disclosure, I tend to just have a few close friends instead of a large amount of acquaintances anyway. I think in the era of the “Facebook Connection” we tend to think we have more friends than we do. We think that all these social media platforms are helping us, but rather they are actually harming us and our friendships. We, as a society (me very much included) don’t feel the need to reach out and keep a tangible connection to the people in our lives because people are “right there” with the touch of a button. These quick connections take all the effort out of maintaining a friendship and friendships, like any relationship requires work. We post posts or like photos with the feeling that we are keeping some form of connection going when, really, are we?
And what happens when someone, a friend, doesn’t like out photo or our post? Half the time we run through the following thoughts and questions: Are they mad at us? Are they being petty or jealous? Do they agree with me and my opinion? Or maybe, the thought that never occurs to us, maybe they don’t spend every minute on social medial and didn’t see the actual post.
I realize I went off on a little bit of a tangent and with all my post-pregnancy brain-ness I don’t really know where this was going in the first place. But I think what I’ve gotten out of it is that I need a break. A break from all the wondering. A break from trying to figure out people or even figure out where I stand. A break from feeling like I’m losing something that wasn’t ever really mine in the first place. A break from the second guessing of certain friendships and relationships when I have a house of people right here to focus on.
Because you can’t fight for everyone, especially those people who don’t want to stay in the first place.